Funny Things My Kid Says

I was talking to my parents and they were headed to the funeral of a family friend. She was a very elderly woman and just died of old age. My daughter overheard the conversation and she gets on the phone with Grandpa and asks all of these questions. I only heard one part of this conversation. But she is so fascinated my death: 

Malaika: “Who died? How old was she? 100 YEARS OLD?! Is she underground? Did you put flowers on it? How did she get so old so fast? Was she young a long time ago? Is she older than your Mama? Did she smoke? “ 

She is so afraid of her own Grandma and Grandpa dying that she is constantly obsessed when she hears about someone dying. 

:( 

As we were getting dressed this morning for school, Malaika wanted to wear a skirt that has been in her closet since she was 3 and she likes to put on when she plays…She’s almost 6 now…

Malaika: “Mama, I want to wear my pink skirt.” 

Me: “Babe, that skirt is way too short to wear to school. You can wear it after school when you play,  but it’s not long enough to wear to school.“ 

Malaika: [sigh] “But Mama, the only reason you think it’s too short is because my shirt is too long. So it makes it look short.”

If we are having conversation about the appropriate lengths of clothes now….I dread 10 years from now. 

After a very spirited (not to mention long game) of Rock, Paper, Scissors, we were both getting nowhere: 

Me: “Rock, Paper, Scissors.” [I threw down paper]

Malaika: “Rock, Paper, GUN! Gun shoots the paper. We’re done.” 

Me: [finally]

Malaika: “I want to wear these pink sneakers.” 

Me: “Okay, but I think that they are getting small.” 

Malaika: “No, you just aren’t making the hole for my foot big enough. You have to move the tongue.”

Me: “Babe, I don’t think it’s the hole that’s too small…I think your foot is too big.”

Malaika: “Hmm…I don’t think that’s the problem at all.” [insert head nod filled with attitude]

My daughter, like any kid, loves to try new things and then show off when she thinks she’s totally mastered that skill. We had made some lunch earlier. Some ugali (which for those non-Kenyan/African people, is just white corn meal that’s been cooked and made into like cake form). *see picture below of some ugali and sukuma wiki* 

I’d like to say this is the first time that this has happened, but alas….

Malaika: “Look I can eat this without even looking at my hand…”

Me: “That’s cool, but be careful before you bite your fingers.” 

Malaika: [giggling] “Oh, Mama…I won’t bite myself.”
 

~Fast forward about 10 minutes later~

Malaika: [screaming, crying, and all sorts of carrying on]

Me: “Ohmgosh, what’s wrong?!”

Malaika: [trying talk between tears and dramatic hyperventilating] “I bit myself…I almost bit my fingers off. My teeth are too strong.” 

Me: [staring at her and mentally thinking “I told you so.”]

I don’t know if this conversation really needs a backstory. Except that my daughter is hilarious: 

Malaika: “Why do you have a purple wallet?” 

Me: “Because I like purple.” 

Malaika: “Where did you get the wallet?” 

Me: “At the store…”

Malaika: “Are you sure it wasn’t from wallet.com….”

[complete silence, followed by her maniacally laughing at her joke] 

Spring is in the air! This means we have allergies floating around the house. I have been a big drippy mess (sorry for that visual). It seems it’s catching up with Malaika now too. She was sitting on the floor playing and she just gets up and sprints towards the bathroom. I figured it was the usual “Oh I waited too long to go pee because I didn’t want to stop playing”….routine. She runs back into the living room: 

Malaika: “Mama, I spit my first mucus!” 

Me: “Um….congra…uhh…alright babe.” 

Malaika: [beaming because she is so excited]

Where does she learn these things? 

My daughter was taking a bath. We had just filled up the bath with the last of the bubble bath from one of those big economy size bottles from Wal-Mart. So bath time is probably 15 minutes in and she calls me over to the bathroom to show me how she had filled up the empty bottle with water: 

Malaika: “Mama, look I filled this up. I used the cap and counted! It took 69 caps to fill it up.” 

Me: [kind of mumbled under by breath] “Ha, that’s what she said.” 

Malaika: “Yeah…that IS what I said.” 

I think it’s too early to broach that subject….

We’ve been working on math. This is not a fun experience. Especially since I am terrible at math and I have no idea what the right way is to help her as to make sure that she is also not as bad at it as I am. 

So I gave her a list of math problems on a piece of paper and she was working really hard on them, and then just stopped: 

Malaika: “Mama, I can’t do these anymore. My brain is out of think.”